Spicing up your sex life could help save your relationship. Here’s why you should try a sex pillow

It’s important to keep your sex life exciting – and new research shows that it’s even healthy for your brain. So, if you’re wanting to spice up your relationship, have a better orgasm or even save your marriage, all you need is some hardcore pillow talk (and a sex pillow)

Words: Amy Dowrick | Images: Shutterstock

If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s unsurprising if you’ve approached a bit of a vanilla routine in the bedroom – where everything feels a little bit too predictable, nothing is especially exciting anymore and your nights feel rather rehearsed.

But this might be doing more damage to your relationship than you realise – and it’s hurting you in the process.

“I think at the beginning of relationships, we’re often trying a lot of new things,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. “We’re trying to impress each other, we’re putting on a good show, and we’re trying to make a good experience.”

“We go through this process early on in a relationship where we narrow in on what works for us – and I think that’s actually a great thing.”

But Vanessa points out that over time, that excitement threshold gets narrower and more ‘vanilla’ – and most couples who have been together for years begin to face a sex life that becomes so predictable they could script it out beforehand.

“We turn it into an identity – so it becomes harder and harder to suggest trying something different because it feels like that’s not who you are,” Vanessa adds.

So how do you make the jump and invite some spice back into the bedsheets?

Why should you spice up your sex life?

“We’ve all heard the advice to spice things up in the bedroom,” says Vanessa. “I think we’ve heard it so much that people think that it’s bad advice, but it actually is really good advice.”

“I think we have this tendency to believe that it’s advice that we follow if things are bad – but there is some pretty great research behind this showing that our brains light up when we have new experiences with our partner.”

According to Vanessa, our brains get quite comfortable at maintaining a status quo – so when we have positive experiences, we acclimatise to that quite quickly. Therefore, we need to continue having random experiences of novelty to get ourselves out of that homeostatic state – helping us see ourselves, our partner, and the world with fresh eyes.

“Having new experiences with your partner gives you this feeling of being able to see them in a new light, being able to appreciate them,” she says. “It really is important to stay ahead of this and just regularly have those new experiences with each other.”

How to spice up your sex life – and get your partner to agree

“I think positions are one of the simplest ways to spice up your sex life,” says Vanessa. “I don’t think anybody is opposed to doing new positions, so it’s this very simple thing.”

And if you’re nervous to open up that conversation, Vanessa says that the key to asking your partner for something is to phrase it in a really positive way.

“Your partner picks up on your tone when you’re making requests,” she says. “If you phrase it in a positive, excited way, and you’re talking about it like it’s something you want to do together, your partner is going to pick up on that vibe and they’re going to respond in the same way too.”

Why you should use a sex pillow

Not to be confused with a ‘pillow princess’, a sex pillow is an ergonomic support cushion designed to elevate the body during sex – and it’s a gamechanger.

“A sex pillow is designed to help you create new angles on your old standby favourite sex positions and be able to try new positions,” says Vanessa. “You put the pillow under your body, basically under your hips – there are lots of different ways to play with it.”

“It changes the angle slightly when you’re having intercourse,” she says. “There are a bunch of other positions that you can use, but the standard position is you put it under your butt, have missionary sex, and it changes the angle a little bit in a way that just feels so good.”

The benefits of using a sex pillow

Eases pain during sex

“If you’re somebody who deals with any sort of discomfort or even pain during sex, always see a pelvic floor therapist or pelvic pain specialist, but this really can help as well,” says Vanessa.

Experimenting positions

“Sex pillows decrease pain and discomfort, but they also increase pleasure,” she adds. “It’s something new to experiment with, which can feel very fun – it opens up new positions that you can’t otherwise do.”

Improves flexibility

While it can create new angles, it can also create a little more flexibility this way – which is always an exciting addition in the bedroom.

“It changes the angle, it changes your flexibility and it supports your hips if you have hip or lower back issues,” says Vanessa.

So don’t be afraid to try something new in your relationship. Communicate it right, and you might be saving yourself from years of boredom, repetition and a partner who doesn’t understand what you need.

“One of the biggest downfalls that we run into in long term relationships is we just get used to each other and we stop appreciating each other,” says Vanessa. “And so being able to have that experience of new things reinvigorates you and your relationship.”

“It doesn’t need to be all the time, and it doesn’t need to be only if things are bad, but just regularly. Try something different once a month.”

Three to try

The Prim

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Lovehoney Support Wedge

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Lovehoney Rocking Cushion

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Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience in the sex therapy field. She hosts podcast Pillow Talks with her husband Xander, aiming to share the ups and downs of their own relationship while sharing techniques on dating, sex tips, relationship advice.  For more info visit vmtherapy.com