Ghosting is closely associated with dating – the unanswered message, the sudden silence, the person who disappears without so much as a goodbye. But what happens when the person vanishing from your life isn’t a potential partner, but your best friend?
Pics: Getty Images
Friendship ghosting can be every bit as painful, leaving you replaying conversations, questioning what went wrong and wondering why someone you trusted could suddenly cut you off without explanation. And while there may be no official break-up, the grief can feel surprisingly real. So why do friends ghost each other – and, more importantly, how can you heal when someone you thought would always be there, simply isn’t?
According to Google Trends, the search term ‘ghosted’ has received a 165.54% uplift in the past month alone.
The terms ‘ghosted’ and ’ghosting’ refers to when someone abruptly stops all communication with you without warning, explanation, or giving a reason.
Ghosting can consist of several unanswered messages, frequently cancelling plans or even being blocked with no justification. Often, the person on the receiving end is left with a host of unanswered questions and forced to work out what happened for themselves.
The concept of ghosting is often associated with romantic relationships; however, it’s rapidly becoming more common in friendships. According to Psychology Today, 38.6% of people admit to being ghosted by a friend, whilst further research reveals that 50% of Gen Z and millennials have experienced friends disappearing from their lives.
‘A friendship breakdown without explanation is likely to spark genuine grief, reduce confidence, and cause a spiral of self-analysis’, says Steven Buchwald, Managing Director of Manhattan Mental Health Counceling. ‘We have strong generic social scripts for romantic relationship breakdowns. People expect to cry, express anger and carry a sense of grief; however, friendship loss is rarely given the same legitimacy.’
Steven reveals why friendship ghosting hurts so much.
Being ghosted by a friend can cause physical pain
‘We’ve all heard the term, ‘broken heart’; however, what you may not know is that it’s not entirely metaphorical’, says Steven. ‘A study published in Science reveals that the idea of being socially excluded ignites the same regions of the brain associated with physical pain.
‘This doesn’t mean that the experience of emotional and physical pain is the same, but it does help explain why emotional pain can spark a tight chest, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite. Research describes ghosting as a form of ostracism that can threaten four basic psychological needs: belonging, self-esteem, control and the sense that our existence is meaningful.
‘Ultimately, along with the friendship, you’ve lost explanation. The brain isn’t a fan of unfinished stories, so to generate an ending will replay old conversations, overanalyse scenarios or even search social media for clues.’
5 science-backed steps to heal from friendship ghosting
Respect it as a loss, even if others don’t
Friendship ghosting is growing increasingly common, so stop minimising what happened.
‘If the relationship mattered to you, don’t feel the need to play it down by describing the person as ‘just a friend’, or pretending that you saw it coming so it doesn’t hurt’, states Steven.
‘Essentially, if the relationship mattered, so does its breakdown. Naming sadness, anger, embarrassment, or confusion allows the brain to process the experience.
‘Friendship ghosting can be understood as a form of ambiguous loss: the person still exists, but the relationship and its future have become unclear. There may be no final conversation, definitive reason or socially recognised mourning period.
‘Adorn the loss with some structure,’ Steven advises. ‘Write down what you miss, what hurt and what the friendship gave you. The aim is not to stir drama or add salt to the wound; it’s to acknowledge that something meaningful has changed.’
Send one clear message without canvassing for a reply
If it feels emotionally and physically safe, and you can execute it whilst safeguarding your emotions, sending one calm and composed text, or even a letter, can build a boundary across the uncertainty.
‘Texts don’t need to be huge emotional offloads, but instead short and to the point. Non-accusatory, and prospects of an open door ensures that the person will not feel vulnerable. Scripts such as: ‘We haven’t spoken in a while, and I really respected and valued our friendship. If you ever want to talk, give me a shout. However, if you want to remove all contact, I respect that too, but clarity would help.
‘The objective of the message is to convey your feelings once only, not to persuade a person to contact you. Repeated texts, calls or social media posts that hold hidden meaning can turn a painful situation into a cycle of hope, checking and renewed rejection.
If there is still no response, the silence becomes information, even if it is not the explanation you deserved.’
Separate what is fact and what is fear
If you fall victim to ghosting, you will likely experience deep feelings of insecurity that lead to over-analysing past and present relationships. If you find yourself experiencing such thoughts, divide a page of paper into two columns, titling one ‘fact’ and the other ‘interpretation/fear.
‘Facts’ may run along the lines of, ‘my friend has not replied to four messages’. The fiction may manifest as ‘people see me as a chore to reply to and don’t like spending time with me’. The distinction matters greatly, as one person’s rejection can make behaviour feel like evidence against your entire worth.’
Of course, it’s important to reflect on any relationship, but the foundation of reflection should be built on specific facts rather than speculative thoughts.
‘Healthy responsibility is great when aligned with a healthy mantra such as, ‘accountability ensures there’s something I can learn, shame shouts, ‘I’m the problem,’ and they are not the same’, says Steven.
Remove the digital footprint
‘A friend that doesn’t return calls or respond to messages may continue to view your Instagram stories or watch Snapchats. They may even like and share posts’, says Steven. ‘This is known as ‘orbiting’, a term coined for when direct communication ends but a passive digital presence is maintained.
‘Digital engagement serves as a spark to ignite a hope-and-rejection cycle. The views and likes evolve to be evidence to interpret, even though there is no meaningful clarity.
‘Muting, unfollowing or temporarily hiding their profile is not necessarily immature or hostile. It can be an emotional boundary.’
Replace the ritual, without stand-ins
Grief holds weight as it’s not just the friendship that is gone, but your routines. Friendships are often made up of routines, whether it’s a lunchtime voice note, monthly meet-up, or a go-to contact in a crisis. When a friendship ends, so do the rituals that make up your day-to-day life.
‘Do not scramble to find a stand-in for the rituals you’re used to,’ Steven advises. ‘Instead, identify the need hidden inside each missing ritual. Was it companionship, reassurance, fun, honesty or somewhere to feel understood?’
‘Small, repeated interactions matter,’ says Steven. ‘Healing may begin with accepting an invitation, becoming a regular somewhere or sending the first message to another friend. The goal is not to prove the person who ghosted you wrong. It is to remind your nervous system that one lost relationship does not mean the end of belonging.’
‘A friend’s refusal to explain their departure may reveal something about their capacity for difficult conversations, but it does not provide an objective verdict on your value.
You can miss somebody and still decide not to chase them. You can wish the friendship had ended differently while accepting that it has ended. ‘Ultimately, healing begins when you stop treating their silence as a question you must answer and start treating your own wellbeing as the part of the story you can still control.’
